Thursday, February 22, 2007

I Finally Get It...

It took me a while, but I finally understand:

I'm a mommy now.

After I came home from class today, I peeked in at my daughter sleeping in her crib. There is absolutely nothing that will make your heart melt as much as watching an infant sleep. They are so peaceful. It's all I can do not to cry as I watch her.

I wasn't always this mushy. I have to admit, when I first held my daughter after a long labor and an impersonal C-section, I didn't feel that rush of joy many mothers claim they felt. I didn't feel that special connection. You know what I felt?

Fear.

Fear that I wouldn't be a good mom. That I wouldn't be up for the biggest responsibility of my life. That I had just made a mistake and I didn't know how to tell my daughter that her mother just wasn't ready to be a mother.

I was too scared to be happy. All I could think about is how I should've taken that breastfeeding class. Now I didn't and my baby is going to starve. I should've watched my hubby when he installed the car seat. Now I don't know how to do it - how do I know if it's secure? I should've, I should've, I should've...

But now the time is here where I don't worry as much as I used to. It took a while, but I am definitely more confident than I used to be. I actually feel like a mom.

As I watch my daughter sleep, all I can think about is how I want the world for her. How much I want her to be happy. That is all I care about now. If she's happy, I'm happy. I wish everything else was so simple.

4 comments:

Paula Neal Mooney said...

Yes, I know so much what you mean, Tara.

Even though I didn't have a c-section -- I still didn't feel that immediate "Hallmark" connection to my son right after he was born.

But it soon came...

And we love those little babies more than we ever knew was possible to love another human being.

You're an excellent mom.

LuckySnap said...

I too had a c-section, and as Paula said, the "hallmark" moment did not come for me either. I also went thru about 8-10 weeks of post-partum depression, which SUCKED.

But it is amazing watching your child sleep. It's like everything in the world just sort of falls into place. It's a wonderful and peaceful feeling.

That Journalist said...

Before I had my daughter, I didn't understand postpartum depression. I thought it was wrong for a mom to be depressed after what should ahve been the happiest moment in her life. But now I think in a way, we all grieve over the lost of our old self. That can be really hard to get through. I know the first month was REALLY rough for me. I didn't think my hubby and I would make it through without killing each other...

LuckySnap said...

You never truely understand PPD or why it is happening, but I had the same confusion as you have mentioned. This is the happiest moment in my life (especially after going thru 7 years of infertility), you'd think I'd be happy. Thankfully, my husband was soo understanding and just sat back for the ride. I dont know how he can still be married to me! I understand your feelings for the loss of your old self too, in several ways....physically, mentally and emotionally.

We all make it though eventually, and it turns out to be the best thing we ever did. :)